From our Sunday service on February 4, 2024, Ephesians 5:21–6:9, the third message in a short series on putting off the old man and putting on the new. Watch the full message: A Lifestyle of Living Love on YouTube.
Submission as an Act of Love
Today is the third message in what was an unintentional series on the topic of putting off the old man and putting on the new. We’re in February, which doesn’t just mean the Super Bowl is coming up. It also means Valentine’s Day is coming, so men, don’t get distracted by the big football game. Get the good gifts before they’re all bought, so you can get something to make your wife happy. We’re going to talk a little about relationships, a little about submission, and a little about the church of Ephesus.
A lot of you may not have been here the last time I spoke, so I’ll give a little of the introduction again. Ephesians was written about AD 60 to 62 by Paul, while he was imprisoned in Rome. It is named after the city of Ephesus, to which it was originally sent. In Ephesus was the Temple of Artemis, one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World, dedicated to Artemis, also known as Diana, and it was the symbol of Greek worship for hundreds of years. Artemis was the goddess of fertility and the hunt, and the rituals and ceremonies reflected that, with events filled with animal sacrifice, alcohol, ritualistic dances, seduction, and opportunities for wealth and passion.
This is the church Paul is writing to. He has a challenge for them: step up in Christ, step out of their own culture, and be an example of God to that culture. As you can tell from what I described, the worship of Artemis was indulgent, drunken, passionate, and lustful. They were to put off the old man and put on the new. We left off last time at verse 20, and we pick up today in Ephesians 5:21.
Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
Ephesians 5:21
That is what today’s passage is all about. Paul has given some examples of things to do in the previous verses, and now he switches to another example: what it means to submit yourselves one to another.
A shame of this passage is that it has been misused by people throughout history to be cruel, specifically toward women. Today we’re going to talk about that a little, and we have to look at it in the context of how it was written. It was written to a group of people who indulged in Artemis worship, the worship of a goddess where all of the religious leaders were women, and to a culture in which women were expected to do different things and were required by law to do certain things. There are some presuppositions we need to consider based on the culture it was written to. But the idea in this passage is submission as an act of love.
Under the Same Rank
Submission is not normally associated with love. In fact, even in the Greek, submission is a military term that means to come under rank, the way a soldier must obey a general or a sergeant. A church is not supposed to be a bunch of generals. It is supposed to be a bunch of soldiers who submit under the same leadership of Christ. We wouldn’t say Christ is a cruel drill sergeant making us run lap after lap to exhaust us and wear us down. He is trying to build us up in a loving and kind way. Paul says that, just as we are submitted to Christ, we submit to one another and put ourselves under the rank of each other.
Don’t be individualistic. In America that’s our natural state. We are taught from a young age to be individualistic: when you’re 18, you move out of the house, you get on your own, you have your own responsibilities, don’t expect anybody to help you, be your own person. But Paul says that as a church we need to be unified in the body. We need relationships with each other where we put ourselves under the rank of those around us, so as not to have pride but to have humility. The chain of command only works if it’s followed. You can’t have a military if the soldiers don’t listen to the general. There’s no organization, you can’t get into formation, and it would just be chaos.
Four Pairs, Both Ends
Usually you’ll hear someone talk about the first example and leave out the other three. This passage actually shows several categories where submission needs to take place on both ends. In Ephesians 5:22, it talks about a husband and wife: wives submit to your husbands. A lot of times people misuse that and don’t talk about the other half. What does it say for the men? In verse 25, “Husbands, love your wives.” It’s not just talking about the wife submitting to the husband. It says how the wife should submit to the husband and how the husband should submit to the wife. The wife submits by respecting him as the leader of the family, and the husband submits to the wife through love. We’ll talk about that in greater detail.
It continues in the next chapter with the same categories. “Children, obey your parents in the Lord.” Children submit to their parents through obedience, but that’s not where it ends. There is a responsibility of submission for the parent, too, in verse 4, where fathers are told not to provoke their children to wrath. The parent submits to the child by not provoking the child to wrath. Then in verse 5, servants are told to be obedient to their masters. The employee submits to the employer through obedience, but that’s not it. The masters are told to do the same things to their servants, forbearing threatening, so the master submits to the employee by treating him with respect.
So there is this theme of submission throughout the whole passage, and because of the chapter division, a lot of times we lose that connection. These letters weren’t written with chapter divisions. Paul didn’t say, “Turn to Ephesians 5:21.” He just wrote them a letter. These topics and ideas carry from one chapter to the next. Paul is addressing a specific issue in a specific culture, the issue of mutual respect in the church, and how love is created only when we respect each other and put ourselves under the rank of each other.
Husbands and Wives
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
Ephesians 5:22–24
A Culture Unfriendly to Women
One thing we need to understand about this culture is that it’s Roman, which means very specific laws. One of them was the paterfamilias, which is basically the rule of the father. In the Greek culture the father had absolute authority over his family and literally everything. If his kids were bad, he could kill them if he wanted to. He had the ultimate authority over the kids and the ultimate authority over the wife. That was the law of the culture of the day. So Paul is writing to people whose wives were legally required to respect their husbands. It is literally the law.
Here’s a quote from Cicero: “Our ancestors in their wisdom considered that all women, because of their innate weakness, should be under the control of guardians.” This culture was not friendly toward women. It was very cruel. Demosthenes also said, “We have courtesans for the sake of pleasure, we have concubines for the sake of daily cohabitation, and we have wives for the purpose of having children legitimately and being faithful guardians of our household affairs.” That shows a little of the culture. Cicero said that women’s innate weakness meant they should have no rights, and Demosthenes said wives are not there for love. Wives and love had nothing in common. They were there for the purpose of having children legitimately. That is how the Roman culture viewed marriage. To the people of Ephesus, who grew up in this cult of Artemis, marriage was nothing more than a legally binding arrangement that gave your children legal status in Rome. They could go to the concubines for daily comfort. No one was expected to have any loving relationship with their wives, or even to have any feelings for them.
Who Does the Wife Submit To?
So in this culture there was a question: if there is a paterfamilias, who is the wife to submit to, her father or her husband? According to the Bible, this is the question Paul is answering. The woman has no rights, and she has to submit to the one who has the ultimate authority, the father or the husband. Here Paul says, “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands.” He’ll come back to this later and talk about how it starts from the beginning, that a man should cleave to his wife and they are one flesh. He is quoting that into the mindset of the Romans, who are wondering, “Do I obey my father or my husband?” He says that from the beginning, you leave your father and mother and cleave to your wife. In Rome you don’t have the authority in the father. When you’re married, the authority is in your husband. He’s the head of the household, the one who rules it. Once again, the husband is the head of the wife, not the father.
So we’ve got this messed-up idea of what marriage is in Rome, and Paul has to address it. He says we need a marriage that is a picture of Christ. God made marriage in the beginning as a symbol of His love for people, and in this culture they had really messed it up. Pretty much the wife had no rights except to divorce her husband, and Paul is obviously not for divorce. To the Greeks, a wife’s submission to her husband was not a matter of preference but a matter of law, and the only way out was divorce. So Paul addresses that situation.
Verse 22 says to submit to your husband “as unto the Lord.” Wives are not supposed to view their husbands as an extension of God. It isn’t saying that your husband is God or that your husband is in the place of God, or that his rule is literally speaking as God. “As unto the Lord” means that God should be the motivation for the wife’s respect for her husband. Wives should submit to their husbands because it is what God desires. This is just part one of a mutual submission between husband and wife. It is what the wives need to work on. The husbands come up afterward.
Why does it say this? It encourages a woman to be extremely selective about who she marries. She should look for a man who is not just attractive or physically strong, but one she can naturally respect. If a woman marries the right kind of man, submission of respect is a natural process. A woman should never marry a man she would feel uncomfortable following. Paul is telling them they take marriage so lightly. They just marry someone because they want to legally have kids who are Roman citizens, so their marriages are started on the wrong foundation, and they have to understand what marriage is about.
Verse 23 says the husband is the head of the wife. The head of the household is the one who is responsible to God and who must lead the family in following Christ. A lot of times in America dads have no place in leading their children in Christian things, and it’s the mother who does it. But God says it is the responsibility of the father to make sure his family is in church. Adam was created, and then Eve, and Adam was supposed to tell Eve all the things of God. God gave the commands before Eve was created, and then Adam was supposed to tell her. Man was given the responsibility of caring for his wife as a picture of Christ’s love for the church, and the people of Ephesus had lost this picture in their culture. So Paul is saying, “Women, submit yourselves to your husbands. You need to have respect for them. Don’t let your parents rule your life or keep you separate from your husband. Have respect for your husband.”
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
Ephesians 5:25
Of course, that’s not where it ends. We also have what God says to the husbands. Here is the command to husbands: the wives were to submit, to have respect for the authority of the husband, and the husbands were to love their wives. In our culture we would think of this as a given. “You mean you don’t love your husband? Why’d you marry him?” But in Greek culture it wasn’t common. They just married for the legal rights to have children. So Paul is saying to the husbands, “You’ve been looking for relationships of love outside of your marriage. You’ve been looking for other people. Love your wives.” Why? Because it needs to be like Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it.
Paul is saying marriage is self-sacrificing. Men, you of Ephesus have sacrificed nothing. You go looking in other places for passion, for relationship, and for emotional connection, and you’ve abandoned your wife. Is that how Christ loved His church? No. So what do we do about it?
First, let’s look at what the Greeks had to say. They had a real issue here. Wives were a status symbol more often than not, and weren’t associated with passion or love. A Greek husband would leave his wife to raise the children and would seek love and passion at a temple brothel. So Paul is addressing husbands in this context, where marriage in Rome was often loveless, a legal contract or a status symbol. What he wants is for a husband to love his wife unconditionally, no matter what, even if she doesn’t submit. Why? Because Christ loved us before we submitted to Him. The wife is supposed to submit unconditionally, and the husband is supposed to love his wife unconditionally, regardless of whether each deserves it. The husband is supposed to be self-sacrificial, giving up his own will for the will of his wife, just as Christ surrendered His will for the death on the cross. The choice a husband makes should always be made with the concern of his wife in mind.
Sanctify and Cleanse
To understand how a husband must love his wife, we must understand how Christ loves His church, so Paul gives us a little segment on that, starting in verse 26.
That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
Ephesians 5:26–27
Why did Christ give Himself for the church? The answer is that Christ saved the church to do two things: to sanctify it and to cleanse it. To sanctify means to set it apart, to make it sacred. To cleanse means to make it pure. If Christ sanctified and cleansed the church, and marriage is a picture of Christ, what is the husband to do? He is to sanctify his marriage.
The Ephesians had made marriage insignificant and meaningless. It had no sanctity, no holiness, and nothing was set apart. Paul says, “Ephesians, you need to sanctify your marriage. You need to make that woman set apart only for you, and make yourself set apart only for her. And you need to cleanse that marriage. You need to make it pure, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing.” How many of us have marriages that aren’t pure and without blemish, with some bumps in the road here and there? Paul says you’ve got to work on it. You’ve got to try to make it pure. Christ sacrificed Himself so that you could be made pure. Husbands, you need to sacrifice yourselves so that you can make your marriage work.
Oftentimes we hear this passage as “Wives, submit to your husbands,” but the husbands don’t get beat on enough. Paul says, “Husbands, you need to work on your marriage. You need to stop thinking about what benefits you and start thinking about what benefits your wife.” The Ephesians had made their marriages filthy with adultery, and Paul says it’s time to cut it out. Their marriages were falling apart, and they didn’t consider them what God meant them to be. The men should set their relationship up as a sacred thing, something to be kept pure, just as Christ has set apart the believer for His purpose.
In verse 28 Paul gets back on the topic.
So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
Ephesians 5:28–32
Notice that the men have a lot more talking to than the women. The women knew what was going on. The men were the ones with the thick heads who needed a little more instruction. Here we have a few things. First, “love your wives as your own bodies.” In other words, the Golden Rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Treat your wife as you would want to be treated. To the Roman and Greek culture this was unheard of. You wouldn’t waste your time with that. But Paul says no, your culture is wrong, and the way they treat women is wrong. You need to treat a woman as you would treat yourself, not just as you treat another man but as you want to be treated. For them this would have really shaken them up.
“No man ever yet hated his own flesh, but nourisheth and cherisheth it.” You need to care for your wife and cherish your wife. You don’t value your wife the way you should. You don’t think of her as something great that you have. You just see her as a convenience, and that’s not what she’s meant to be. She’s supposed to be cherished and cared for. We are members of Christ’s body, and the way we treat our wives should reflect that.
In verse 31 Paul answers that question once again: who should be the authority in the woman’s life, her father or her husband? “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.” He answers that cultural question of who is the paterfamilias, who is the authority over the wife, who she is legally bound to in Greek law. By biblical principles, she is bound to her husband, and there is nothing else. He reminds them again that these two shall be one flesh. This is sacred. This is unity. “Men, why are you searching for pleasure in places other than your wife?” He says this is a great mystery, but he also speaks concerning Christ and the church. Everything he says about marriage is the same thing about God and you. Our marriages should speak to the testimony of God’s salvation in our lives.
Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
Ephesians 5:33
Once again, we are to have mutual submission here as an act of love in our lives: the wife through unconditional respect for her husband, and the husband through his unconditional love. It’s not just that the wife should submit but that both should submit to each other. Amen.
Parents and Children
Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; (which is the first commandment with promise;) That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.
Ephesians 6:1–3
The next category, starting in Ephesians 6, is submission between the parent and child. How do we know it’s right? It’s one of the Ten Commandments, so obviously this is right. Paul makes it even more clear: it’s not just one of the Ten Commandments but the first one that comes with a promise, that you will be blessed for doing it. Children, it’s in your best interest to respect your parents, because God will bless you for it. If that’s not enough motivation, I don’t know what is. The promise, in verse 3, is “that it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.”
And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
Ephesians 6:4
That’s not where it ends. The submission of the child is not the end of the relationship between parent and child. Children submit to their parents through obedience, but the parent submits to the child by making sure not to provoke the child to wrath. The parent corrects in a way that lifts the child up and doesn’t create resentment, anger, and hatred toward the parent. Instead, the parent brings the child up “in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.”
That word “nurture” is pretty important. As God nurtures you, you are to nurture that child. The parent-child relationship is also a reflection of God. I’m thinking of Psalm 23 right now: “The Lord is my shepherd.” The parent is to shepherd the child, to nurture them and bring them up in both the nurture and admonition of the Lord. That means not just feeding them biblical knowledge but making sure they are corrected when they stray, and doing so in a way that doesn’t hurt the child’s love of God. This is a delicate balance. I’m not yet a parent, but I can assume it will be a struggle to figure out how much discipline is too much, and when I have gone from nurturing and giving the admonition of the Lord to provoking my child to wrath. I think after a long enough time you will know you’ve provoked your child to wrath if resentment builds up against you. You know it’s time to turn around: “I haven’t been submitting to my child as unto Christ.” So the child should honor their parents through submission and obedience, and the parent should likewise submit to the child by ensuring they are considerate of them and how they are parented.
Employers and Employees
Servants, be obedient to them that are your masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in singleness of your heart, as unto Christ; Not with eyeservice, as menpleasers; but as the servants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart; With good will doing service, as to the Lord, and not to men: Knowing that whatsoever good thing any man doeth, the same shall he receive of the Lord, whether he be bond or free. And, ye masters, do the same things unto them, forbearing threatening: knowing that your Master also is in heaven; neither is there respect of persons with him.
Ephesians 6:5–9
Our last group is submission between employer and employee. Once again we see the phrase “as unto Christ.” It’s the same phrase used for the wife to the husband, so we know it is not an authoritarian rule with no questioning whatsoever. It means respect and reverence, as you would have for God. Employees are supposed to submit to their employer in the same way. And it’s not talking about just slaves here. Verse 8 says “whether he be bond or free,” so this is talking about any kind of employee relationship. The worker should submit to the employer through reverence for them, as they have reverence for Christ.
“Masters according to the flesh” is as compared to who is your Master according to the Spirit, and that would be God. Verse 6 says your motivations should be pure: “not with eyeservice, as menpleasers.” Don’t be vain in trying to please your boss, as in, “I’m going to do everything my boss says so I can get this promotion and this bonus at the end of the year.” Paul says that’s not Christlike submission to your employer. You’re not showing the love of Christ in that. Christ died for you when you had nothing to offer Him. If you want to show the love of Christ to your employer, you need to do good to him when he has nothing to reward you with. You need to do it in sincerity, so that it reflects the love of God.
Verse 8 says this is regardless of the class of worker. It doesn’t matter if you’re a bond worker or a slave. Bond workers were people who fell into debt to their employer, owing probably a couple of years’ worth of money they could never pay off, so they would write a deal in Roman law to enslave themselves to their employer for a number of years to pay off the debt and be freed again. Paul says even if you made a bad deal and this person ruined your life, you need to respect them. It’s not their fault that you fell into this financial trouble. God doesn’t see things that way. Whether you’re bond or free, God wants you to be a good Christian no matter what your situation is.
Once again we have the reverse. “Ye masters, do the same things unto them.” It’s mutual submission. The servant isn’t supposed to just unconditionally listen to their master. The master is supposed to do the same thing. What does “forbearing threatening” mean? It means to withhold any threat. If they mess up, don’t yell at them and say, “I’m going to cut your pay next week. You can’t waste money like that.” Don’t threaten your employee. Be Christlike and be forgiving. God forgave you. He took your debts and removed them as far as the east is from the west. So when your employee messes up, don’t threaten his paycheck, and don’t threaten to fire him. Try to help him and make him a better employee.
The verse also says “knowing that your Master also is in heaven.” We have a master according to the flesh and a Master according to the Spirit. If the master according to the flesh is threatening the employee, think how much more God can threaten you when you do wrong. Think about it before you threaten your employee and before you’re cruel. The people who work for you are ultimately invested in your success, so why would you want to beat them down anyway? They’re there to help you be more successful.
He reminds them of a truth once again: “neither is there respect of persons with him.” God doesn’t have more respect for your position. He treats all people equally. He loves the sinner who sinned his whole life just as much as the person who got saved at the age of five. God doesn’t have more respect for the CEO of a Fortune 500 company than for the guy working at McDonald’s at 3:00 a.m. just to get by. God doesn’t have more respect for the man in the relationship or the woman in the relationship. God has respect for both. He doesn’t have more respect for the parent or for the child. God has respect for both.
Love That Never Fails
So Paul reminds us that if we’re going to show the love of God, we must have mutual submission to each other, whether that’s a husband to a wife, a wife to a husband, a child to a parent, a parent to a child, a boss to an employee, or an employee to a boss. In our lives, are we choosing to submit to each other? Are we carrying some of the attributes of love that we see in 1 Corinthians 13?
Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth…
1 Corinthians 13:4–8
Is that what our love looks like? Does it have patience? Is it kind? Does it envy? Does it boast itself in pride? Does it behave inappropriately? Is it selfish? Is it easily angered? Does it think evil toward those who have wronged it? Does it always endure? Does it always believe in a better day? Does it always have hope? Does it endure every day? “Charity never faileth.” In our relationships with others, have we had a love that does not fail?
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